An Interview With Gaara
by SojiSohma
Summary: Just as the title says, it's an interview with Gaara! Oneshot. This is my first shot at humor, just to forewarn you...includes me and all my bestest friends! Including one from Spain that speaks no Spanish! Rated T for language


**My first actual One-Shot! Yay! Also, my first funny fanfic…wow, I expected it to come earlier…hmm…oh well, here I go on my randomness…and you finally get to see it! Yay!**

**I don't do this often anymore, but just for the hell of it…here is a**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gaara, the Naruto show, or Oprah (thank god). I do own Kike (Yes, I bought you off eBay…I saw Kike, and I'm like, "OMFG I CAN BUY KIKE FOR ONLY 2 CENTS!" and thus, I asked my mom for some cash…I didn't tell her I was buying my best friend off eBay, or that I only needed 2 cents, not $50…hmmm)**

**No one yell at me for the religious crack, please…I know it's a bit unethical to put religious stuff in fan fictions, but it just didn't make sense without it…it still doesn't make sense, but that's besides the point…**

**And thus we begin…An interview with Gaara…enjoy!**

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A girl with long lavender hair walked onto the stage of a…talk show type place…with a microphone in hand, that was very obviously plastic. "Hello, my name is Soji, as you all know, and welcome to the best show ever, 'To be a Gaara Fan girl.'" She said as she put down the plastic mic and began to pull 2 chairs on-stage.

The audience sitting in just 2 of the huge amount of chairs consisted of my 2 of my 4 best friends in the whole wide world (no really, one is from Spain!). There was Tori, a girl with long black, slightly curly hair and bright red eyes. And then, the one from Spain, a boy named Kike (kai-key) with short brown hair and green eyes. "Hurry up and get the damn show started!" yelled Tori, being the impatient person she just happens to be. "What the hell? Where am I? You're not speaking Spanish! OMFG!" That was Kike. I had drugged and kidnapped the poor guy. (Watch out from now on, Kike!)

"Hey, you woke up! Hi Kike!" Soji yelled from on the stage. "Now, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN YOU IDIOT I'M TRYING TO RUN A SHOW HERE!" She yelled, throwing her plastic mic at him and hitting him right in the middle of the forehead.

"OW! WTH? WHO ARE YOU?" He yelled at her.

"I'm Soji you idiot. Now, crew, bring out today's special guest, Gaara!"

_1 minute later_

"Crew? Did you forget who you are, _crew?_"

"Oh! Ok, I'm working on it, just let me get back there." Tori said, climbing over the wall thing, instead of using the stairs like a normal human being.

_3 minutes later_

"Where the hell is Tori with Gaara?" Soji asked herself as she went backstage to find them. "OMFG! That's it! Sit down!" A muffles scream is heard. Kike is starting to get just a _little _bit uncomfortable. "GOD DAMMIT DON'T YOU GO ALL SHUKAKU ON ME YOU BASTARD!" Loud male cussing is heard, followed by the same cussing, only a little less muffled then the scream was. Soji then walks out onto the stage-pulling a chair with a very pissed off Gaara in it. He just happens to be bound-with his hands apart from each other so he doesn't do any jutsu's-and gagged. This is when two more people decide to walk in. The two are Soji's other best friends. The first is a girl with short, blue hair. Wait, now it's green. Make that red. Anyways, she also has purple eyes. The other one is a girl with dark brown hair with blond streaks and green eyes. Their names are Li-Chan and Tallie. "OMFG IT'S GAARA!" Tallie yells in a slightly hysteric-due-to-extreme-excitement voice. (Yes, I have made you a Gaara fan girl…MWA HA HA)

"Alright." Soji says quickly. "Now that he's out here and not about to kill any of us-I hope-let's start. Who would like to ask a question of the magnificent Gaara first?"

Two hands rose. "Ok, Kike, only because I brought you here against your will."

"Thanks." He said, his voice dripping in sarcasm. "Who the hell is Gaara?"

silence

"Let's move on. Tallie?" Soji said, completely ignoring the fact that Gaara was now attempting to wiggle free from the ropes tying him to the chair.

"Yeah, um…Where'd your gourd go, Gaara?" Soji took the duct tape off of Gaara's mouth.

"God dammit let me out of this chair!" Was the first thing he said, after another cussing spree. "You sick, crazy, freaks! Let me out now!"

"Answer the question and I'll give you a cookie at the end of the show!" Soji said, waving said cookie in front of his face teasingly. "And if you don't behave, you stay stuck in that chair as I push you into a giant crowd of fan girls waiting outside. You're lucky it's me that got to you first, otherwise you'd be either A: Dead, B: Raped, C: Tortured, or D: All of the above, by now. With us, you are just asked simple questions, and then given a cookie on your way out."

0.o That was Gaara's face throughout this explanation (especially the being raped part). Somehow, Soji had him convinced. Maybe it was the cookie. It was a fresh-baked snickerdoodle. His favorite.

"I don't have my gourd because your idiotic little friend here stole it from me!" he said, addressing Tallie.

"Hey, don't call her an idiot!" Kike yelled from his seat. He then got up, walked a bit closer, and threw the plastic microphone at Gaara. Once again, it was a dead center hit on his forehead. Me and my friends are good at throwing plastic microphones, ne?

Gaara was nearly shaking with anger. Seeing this, Soji said, "Next question, please. Yes, Tori?"

"Gaara, are you gay?"

More silence

"Oh I'm sorry. Are you _a_ _homosexual_?"

Twitching with anger, Gaara just said a simple, "Hell no."

"Ah! You must be Bi then, right?"

"WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THAT?"

"I dunno. You just kinda…_resonate_...'I _like_ like guys.'"

0.o And thus we have the face of everyone…except Gaara…his was more like…(Insert super angry smiley with lots of +'s (like the anger marks from anime)) and Tori's…hers was more…(Insert stupid grin)

"Anywho…on to my questions! First of all, how the hell does all that sand fit into your gourd?" Soji asked.

"Well, at least this question is a _little _more sensible then the others…but…well; there isn't an answer to that one." Gaara said, but in his mind, one thought was going through his head. _Once I am free of these damn ropes, they're all dead. After I get my cookie._ (Told you that was what convinced him)

"…Dammit, I'm not very good at this asking questions thing, am I? Oh well, next question!" Soji continued, not noticing that Gaara's hands were almost free from their ropes. "Ok, my next question is, does Shukaku like cookies as much as you do?"

Gaara made another 0.o face. "I'm not going to answer that one. Can you untie me yet?" He said, still trying to get out of the ropes.

"Are you going to go all Shukaku on someone if I do?" Soji asked with a suspicious look.

"No, of course I won't." He said, thinking at the same time, _'You'll be the first I get to, bitch.'_

Soji untied Gaara, but didn't give him back his gourd yet. "I don't trust you yet," She said, sticking her tongue out when he glared at her. Little did she know, he didn't really need his gourd as long as it was open…which, lucky for him, it was.

Sand rushed to the first human he saw…which was Li-Chan, who's hair was an exact imitation of Gaara's right at that moment. Luckily, Soji saw the sand and hit the back of Gaara's head, yelling, "Bad Gaara!" at the same time, then put the cork back on the gourd, wondering how it had gotten off in the first place.

By this time, Gaara was extremely pissed off. In fact, he was extremely pissed off when he got shoved into a sack by Tori while he was pretending to be asleep.

Before Gaara got scolded further by Soji, a new person walked on-stage.

"What the hell are you doing in my recording studio?" A very confused-yet-pissed-off Oprah yelled as she walked on-stage. Oprah went on for about an hour of non-stop cussing, until, as she was still cussing, Gaara went over to Soji and asked, "Can I kill her?"

"Please do."

It turns out, Oprah just happened to be…God…no wonder her ratings were so good, even though her show sucks…so, when she died, Earth blew up, and Gaara, Soji, Tallie, Li-Chan, Tori, and Kike were the only one's left, as they flew to Jupiter in a spare space ship they found lying around.

Once they got to Jupiter, they landed (don't ask me how) and played Blackjack with the cards Soji had brought, until one day…

"Hey since we're the only human's left…at all…isn't it our duty to repopulate the planet?" Tallie asked, looking at Gaara with evil eyes. She was soon dead, along with everyone else except for Gaara. He had killed Kike just in case he was…you know…(I know you aren't, Kike, I promise!)

And thus, Gaara lived happily-ever-after, all alone on Jupiter, until he remembered his class in 3rd grade where his teacher had mentioned, in the middle of math, that it would be impossible to live on Jupiter due to lack of oxygen, lack of solid ground, and temperature.

Gaara died once the flash-back was over.


End file.
